Tag Archives: emotions

Healing and our Brains

A Breath of Fresh AER

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One of the conditions which so many people suffer from is emotional trauma and yet, this is also the condition which has been most in need of effective methods to resolve and release it. According to some research, it is possible that almost every one of us suffers some degree of emotional trauma during a point in our lives, and if we are exposed to repeated trauma, the effects are cumulative. What is needed is a way to take us from traumatized states to healthy ones, without costing a fortune or requiring many years of effort.

For more than twenty years, I carried around the weight of loss from the death of my father when I was barely out of my teens. Like most people, I created for myself a series of coping mechanisms to avoid touching the pain I held inside. In fact, although I did not consciously think about it, my coping mechanisms were designed to keep me safe from the grief, the anger, the sadness, etc. that had lodged in me the day I was told of his death. These feelings had never been fully felt since that day. I was walking in the middle of a crowd of thousands when someone who knew me approached and expressed their condolences. I was baffled – what were they talking about? In a moment, they blurted out that  my father had died while traveling. There I was, in the middle of so many people, and like others who find themselves in similar situations, not feeling comfortable to express openly all the emotions which surfaced. I stuffed the feelings inside that day and it was only 20 years later that I finally felt it was safe to really feel them.

My story is like that of many – we experience a traumatic shock to our system and instead of allowing the feelings to flow through us, we bottle them up. In the end, it does not matter why we bottle them, the fact that they are stuck inside us is what really needs to be addressed. Searching for the “why” is really a distraction from releasing those feelings.

Feelings need to flow

Research by people like Dr. Peter Levine, Dr. Robert Scaer and Dr. David Berceli into how humans experience and then store trauma in our brains and bodies confirms what I had noticed in my own journey of healing and then helping others: feelings are supposed to flow through and out of us, just like they do for animals.

Unfortunately, our evolutionary path has provided us with a double- edged sword – the prefrontal cortex. This part of our brain is excellent for analysis and figuring things out. It is also a serious impediment to letting go of trauma, as it constantly ruminates over traumatic events, keeping the trauma alive inside us.

As a result of personal experimentation and systematic analysis of all the healing modalities that I was exposed to, I came to a simple but important conclusion: if we don’t release our stored feelings, we will always carry
with us the pain of the past.

Pain, Pain Go Away, Come Again Another Day

The most common human response to an exposure to pain, especially trauma-related pain, is to move ourselves away from it. We use distractions such as TV, movies, sports, etc.  or medications to numb ourselves (alcohol, drugs, ice cream, chocolate, etc.).   We take trips, we engage in intense activities and endeavors, and we generally do whatever we can dream up to avoid feeling the pain.

While these are natural responses to pain, they are also counter-productive. The pain does not go away  – it is merely masked or ignored momentarily. The neural circuits in our brains which store the thoughts, the sounds, the images and most importantly the emotions/feelings related to a traumatic incident are all fully charged and ready to pop into our consciousness in a flash, triggered by something that reminds us of the incident.

My research and work with many people has shown that to release a stored emotional charge (activated neural circuits) one has to feel the emotion. Resisting it only keeps it present. Avoiding it only delays the inevitable. Feeling the feeling, and allowing it to flow through and out of us is what we were designed to do.

Ah, that sounds pretty simple, right? Just let go of the pain. Actually, it is that simple – but the fly in the ointment is your thinking brain. Emotions are not stored in the thinking parts of your brain, so just thinking about something traumatic is not enough to release it. If it was, people would go to see a talk therapist, tell their story once, and the trauma would be gone. This has not been the case, as countless people who have been in therapy for years can attest. Talking about trauma does bring some relief, but rarely, if ever, provides a release from it.

Three Steps to Success

The approach that I take with people is to facilitate this natural releasing process using three steps. The first is Awareness. We must be aware of the issue that we are experiencing, in particular the feelings that come up around an incident.

The second step is Expression, in which we briefly express what we are feeling. This expression can be as short as a single sentence such as “I feel anger” or a little longer if we want to be more specific. The key here is that we are honestly acknowledging the feeling, not engaging in a long talk about it – that would shift us into the thinking parts of our brain, and away from feeling.

The third step is Resolution and we get there by Releasing the stored feeling, allowing it to be as it is in the moment, and then allowing it to flow naturally out of us. I have borrowed from several traditional systems and modern healing techniques to come up with an efficient method to facilitate this natural releasing process. I call this method AER – Awareness Expression Resolution.

The word Resolution is important, as there are many systems which will enable a partial release of stored feeling, but essentially leave the neural circuits charged enough to be re- activated. With AER, our goal is to allow all the stored feeling(s) around an incident to flow out. The majority of people are able to release all of a feeling around an incident in less than 1 hour (often in minutes) , and once the feeling is fully released, it does not return to their system. The feeling flows out of them and they are free of it. As it is common for multiple feelings to exist in relation to an incident, each of these feelings in turn is released until the incident itself is only a flat, emotionless memory.

Practical and Inexpensive

One of the design principles that I kept in mind as I developed AER was that it should be something that anyone can learn in about 30 minutes and that should be available in an economical form. To that end, I have
created guided AER sessions for some commonly stored feelings that can be downloaded and followed. Each session takes 1 hour to complete and can be used as many times as desired. You can release sadness, for example, from as many incidents as you can recall using the same recording for each incident.

One of the tricky things I have found doing this work is that most people cannot believe that it is possible to actually release some strong emotion that they have been carrying around for years. And, truth be told, until I experienced it for myself, I would not have believed it either. Words alone are not enough here – one must actually have the experience of releasing to relate to it. And, once one has released one bothersome feeling, the door has opened to release any others that no longer serve you.

Copyright 2010 Robert S. Vibert, all rights reserved

Healing and our Brains

What do you mean, I can’t do that to you any more?

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Now, truth be told, it is highly unlikely that you will ever hear someone actually say something like the title of this article.  Not in these exact words, that is for sure. However, if you read between the lines of what they are saying, this will be the message. And if you pay attention to what they are doing (always a good idea), you’ll definitely get the message.

First, some examples. Let’s think of some times when people do something to you, something along the lines of taking your generosity for granted. Maybe one day you let someone have some of the compost from your garden because they wanted to try their hand at growing a plant or two. You gave them some of your compost and were happy to help them out. The next time they came by to visit, they asked for some more.  And the next time,  the same thing happened. And again, and again. Until they were constantly taking compost, and started to do so without even asking. Hmmm… I imagine you can extrapolate this to any number of situations besides compost – the principle is that you were generous once, and the other person then assumed that you would always be willing to give and give and give, of your time, your energy, your belongings.

Another example would be when someone presumes upon your good-will. Let’s say that they are rude or insulting to you. You respond with dismay or disgust and  maybe they apologize, explaining that they’ve had a hard day, week, life. A little while later, the same thing happens – they are out of line, say something inappropriate, accuse you of something inane, etc. They expect that you’ll always accept their behaviour, no matter how inappropriate, because they have mitigating circumstances,  explained themselves once, because you didn’t constantly make a fuss about it or because they think they simply have every right to express themselves however they wish.

A third example would be when someone constantly imposes their worldview on you. For whatever reasons, they have formed their own particular vision of how the world is and works. They see things in one way, and expect everyone else to see it in the same way. They are not shy about telling you how wrong your ideas are, how much superior their views and opinions are, and how it would all be so much better if you’d simply agree with them.  They never miss an opportunity to tell you what you are doing wrong, and how much better their ideas are. Some people would call this fundamentalism, but they certainly do not need a religious context for this zealousness. Even when you ask them to respect that you may have a differing perspective, they insist on “being right“, perhaps even raising their voice to drown you out.

We draw the line, they pop

When we draw the line, tell them to stop what they are doing, that we’ve reached our limit, the usual response is that they get upset with us. And that is when you’ll see and hear what amounts to a protest against their “right” to carry on with behaviour that is not kind, compassionate, generous or life-enhancing. They may be shocked that you would actually tell them to stop.

This protest will come in various forms, ranging from pouting to bullying to misbehaving to pleas for forgiveness. The pouting and sulking is pretty much what you know from watching child behaviour. The bullying can be a bit more subtle, as they have often developed skills to enhance it. They can try to browbeat you with arguments as to why they should be allowed to continue as they had been. They can try to use shame to manipulate you, often bringing others into the discussion in an attempt to gang up on you. They can become insulting, suggesting that you are not man or woman enough to stand up to their manner and that you need to toughen up. They may resort to anger or belligerence, hoping to intimidate you into backing down from your position.

If all of those tactics fail, they may beg forgiveness, hope that you’ll soon forget your position and then plan to revert back to their old ways within a short time.

After all, they are entitled to be the way that they are, right? They are the Entitled Ones.

Why do these people get so upset when asked or told to respect a boundary? More than likely, no one ever told them NO or STOP before.  People have been polite to them for most of their life, and not pointed out the rudeness or inappropriateness of their behaviour, generally to avoid getting into a conflict with them.  Their propensity to be conflictual becomes quite evident early on in their relationships with others, and since most humans prefer to not be in conflict, the people around these Entitled Ones walk on eggshells.

Finding Balance

Given that when denied what they want, whether it is more of your generosity, your goodwill or your acquiescence,  the Entitled Ones react like spoiled kids and engage those around them in a battle they need to win.

The truth of the matter is that all involved in these scenarios need to use a more mature approach. The Entitled Ones need to learn self-restraint, respect and consideration for others. Those on the receiving end of the entitlement request need to learn how to say NO and stick to it. In some ways, it is harder for the second group than for the first. The Entitled Ones are used to taking and taking and not being challenged often, so they have precedent on their side.  Their learning includes releasing the fear of scarcity and being alone that drives a lot of the behavior. When people are always looking for more, it is usually because they sense that they will not have enough – that explains a lot about why people who already have a lot of money are driven to keep getting more. This fear is not overcome, it is accepted as part of our human inheritance and then released. The other part of this, the constant need for attention, even if gained only by creating conflict with others, is also possible to release. Having released these unhealthy drivers, the Entitled Ones can find it much easier to interact with others in a manner that enhances the lives of everyone involved.

For the second group, those who have some trouble establishing boundaries, the path to a better way is rather straightforward. They start by noticing what comes up for them when they imagine themselves confronting an Entitled One they know, and then releasing those feelings. With those feelings gone, often ones of fear of rejection and battle, it becomes much easier to stand one’s ground, firmly but kindly establish boundaries and help the Entitled Ones evolve into more respectful folks.

For both, the key is to release the underlying feelings that drive the behaviours.

Copyright 2010 Robert S. Vibert, all rights reserved.

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Healing and our Brains

I Feel That … I am Really Thinking…

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The title pretty much gives it away, if you get what I am talking about. You know, all those times when someone says “I feel” and then describes what they are thinking, not what they are actually feeling. When they use an expression along the lines of  “I feel that the world is full of silly people.”  This is an opinion, which is a thought, not a feeling. Feelings include fear, anger, sadness, etc. Hardly a day goes by that I do not hear someone say “I feel” when they are describing their thoughts and opinions.

Hair-splitting? Perhaps… and perhaps not. You see, in my world, thoughts and feelings are really not the same thing, even though they often arrive together on the scene. It is normal that we feel a feeling/emotion (I’ll use both terms interchangeably here, for the sake of convenience), and have a thought or two about it at the same time. And vice versa – we can have a thought and then a feeling arises. Thoughts and feelings are usually linked together, so we tend to have them pretty much simultaneously in our inner world. And, as I’ll explain in a bit, being aware of the difference between thoughts and feelings can be quite important to our happiness.


Think, think, think

The interesting thing these days is that in most situations we are discouraged from feeling and encouraged to think instead. One of the earliest examples of this was when IBM put up “THINK”  signs in their offices starting in the 1930s. The intent was good – IBM wanted people to act consciously, not just go charging ahead without a thought for outcomes. This is a wise approach, and it certainly worked well for IBM for years.

The psychoanalytical community has contributed to this thinking bias as well, successfully convincing many of us that we need to think about everything, analyze it ad infinitum and if we happen to notice that we are having a feeling, that we should think about that feeling, determine why we feel that way, and think real hard about when was the first time we felt it, and finally, analyze it all, in the hope that we’ll discover some way to better manage whatever is bothering us. One of the ways this thought bias works against us in this particular realm is in suicide prevention, where a lot of attention is placed on suicidal thoughts and little on suicidal feelings. There is a big and potentially fatal difference between thinking about suicide and having the desire (feeling) to act upon those thoughts.

TV and films are full of examples of people going to see counselors as soon as they have some issue, and counseling/talk therapy has become a standard remedy prescribed by almost every advice “guru” out there. What is funny and sad at the same time is that while people are constantly pointed at talk therapy as the solution to their issues, rarely is there a pause for reflection on what is actually the appropriate course of action for the situation. Alternatives to going to see a talk therapist are rarely contemplated, so well has the campaign to instill the belief that talk therapy/counseling is the best approach succeeded. Be aware that I am not trashing talk therapy here, but merely pointing out that people often jump on that bus without actually giving it much…err… thought.

In addition, those who use their minds as their primary means of relating to the world, otherwise known as intellectuals, are revered in modern society. If you do not have a PhD, then you’d better be a rock star or TV/film celebrity if you intend to write a book and expect it to succeed or want to comment publicly on anything and be taken seriously. Yes, those prized letters after your name give you instant credibility, regardless of what your actual knowledge on a subject might be. Those who work in specialized fields such as anti-virus/anti-malware research bristle when the general computer security PhDs start to talk about the subject, as the generalists often get malware protection wrong, and assume that their academic degree was sufficient to allow them to draw conclusions about something they had not actually studied in depth.

In a somewhat related example, until recently many couple therapists in America could earn their doctorates without actually working with couples for more than a few hours. Their courses focused on theory and research, not working with live people. PhD or Masters in hand, they could pen works that talked about the theory of couples, relationships, personal growth, etc., and have the entire work based upon theoretical knowledge. Given how humans are a tad complex, it may make more sense to actually interact with them before writing something purporting to contain some valuable insight. When these ivory tower therapists started seeing clients, they often had to learn the hard way how to properly deal with a real human sitting in front of them, feeling upset over their relationship. I wonder if the clients got a discounted rate while the real world learning was taking place…

But I digress in my thinking about thinking.

I’m sure that if you take a moment, you’ll find plenty of examples in your life where you are encouraged to think about things, not have feelings about them. Thoughts are nice and neat, and feelings are messy and often out of control or overwhelming. At least, that is what we are told. Obviously, I’m not against thinking. I used it to prepare and write this. In fact, I use thinking all the time, regardless of what some people might say… 🙂

But, there is a need both for thinking and for feeling, at the the appropriate time. Living in our thoughts constantly is no better than living constantly in our feelings. Each can inform the other and we can achieve a level of balance when we pay attention to all aspects of ourselves. We’re not our thoughts and we’re not our feelings, even though they happen to us in such a way that we could be easily led to believe that they are.

Why do they say I feel when they mean I think?

In pondering why people might so often use the expression “I feel” when really they mean “I think”, I concluded that this is because there is a pent-up desire to express their feelings, and so it is a sort of warped Freudian slip. They really do want to express their feelings, but society has us managing them, or regulating them, or suppressing feelings to such an extent that when they do pop out, it is with a large POP. In the meantime, there is a tension just beneath the surface that creates situations in which someone wants to express a feeling, but knows that thoughts are more acceptable, and we get mixed up expressions. Of course, hearing others use incorrect expressions all the time trains us to use them as well, part of our mechanism to fit it. Using the expression “I feel” to express thoughts is a way to stay safe in the tribe and yet still suggest that one has feelings, albeit ones that are well managed to the point that they are hardly distinguishable from thoughts.

Why do we need to be more precise?

When people are encouraged to think instead of  feel or not express their feelings, there is a danger that those feelings will come out in some other way that is destructive. Men, who are constantly constrained in terms of feeling expression, suffer more heart attacks and die years younger than women, who are given a little more lea-way in terms of expressing feeling. This lea-way is not so great however, as no woman wants to be seen as hysterical, and so they too stuff down a lot of their feelings.

Allowing feelings to arise naturally and flow through and out is one of the key aspects of having a healthy relationship with them. Releasing old feelings which were stored inside is a necessary part of achieving a balance between healthy emotional expression and over-the-top emotional reactions. When one releases the stored feelings, the new ones that arise are not burdened with the excess charge of the past combined with the present response.

Becoming aware of this little mind game we play with ourselves is important, as it allows us to be more present in the moment and more congruent with our thoughts, feelings and actions.

The next time you say “I feel”, finish that sentence with a mention of a  feeling, not a thought or opinion.

Copyright 2010 Robert S. Vibert, all rights reserved