Tag Archives: expectations

Stressed out from wanting things to be a certain way?

As we grow up, we absorb and create a worldview based upon the various cultural and environmental influences to which we are exposed. This worldview evolves as we develop, as we are exposed to new information and particularly as we have emotionally charged experiences. This worldview then becomes part of our perception of how the world is and how it should be. And, that is one of the main times when we start to experience stress.

Each day, we look at the world through the filter of our worldview, and when it does not conform to that worldview, a certain amount of discomfort arises in us. For example, if we expect that people will be polite to us when we buy something, and the person who serves us a coffee is curt and seems uninterested in us, we can think that there is something wrong with them. We may start to feel upset, disrespected, indignant, etc. All of these feelings arise as a response to the conflict between our expectations and what we encounter. It is the rare person who realizes that one’s expectations may be totally different from the “normal” behaviour of the other people we interact with.

This default response of feeling discomfort when we encounter a discontinuity between our expectations and the outside world is often due to the sense of insecurity which can be triggered – we come to a shocking conclusion: the world is not what we expect and feel safe with; it has become an uncertain place.

People can invest an enormous amount of time, energy and resources in creating a level of perceived security. We build houses with strong doors, security systems and live in gated communities. We establish routines for commuting and working to follow each day. We put on good luck charms, talismans and clothing which we associate with safe prior experiences. We eat the same fast food at home and when we travel to other countries. All of these actions and more are designed to help us feel safer, and that seems to be a fairly normal human desire. Stress is generated when this sense of security is disturbed by some element of the outside world. Our indignation about the “rudeness” of the coffee server is actually a maladaptive attempt to restore “order” to the world. We attribute the responsibility for our feelings to the outside world when we really are just reacting because of our internal emotional triggers. We think “if only the people around us lived up to our expectations, then we would feel safer, as all would be as we expect and in fact need it to be.” The reality of our daily experiences is that change is constant and the world does not live up to our expectations. And yet, we hang onto our expectations for dear life.

Why do we hang onto these unrealistic expectations?

Given the constant exposure we have to new experiences and information, it would be reasonable to expect that our worldview should evolve constantly, and as a result we would have little if any stress from unmet expectations. That does not seem to be the case. We form the various pieces of our worldview early on and seem to cling to it desperately, with an ever increasing amount of stress being generated as we struggle to reconcile what we expect and what we encounter. Even in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, we keep expecting the world to work the way we want it to and resisting that it does not.

Brain research has shown that we actually will override what we are seeing with what we want to see. And, I’m sure you’ve had an experience of someone telling you (probably in other words) “Don’t confuse me with the facts – I’ve made up my mind!”

There are two main reasons why we hold onto our worldviews:

The first is our need for security mentioned above. Humans are designed to seek out homeostasis and therefore resist change. Our systems are always trying to return to a state of comfort. We can try very hard to overcome this, but basically we tend to evolve from one state of stability to another, and we want the transition to be as quick and painless as possible. People do experience major changes in perspective, particularly after very intense events and near death experiences. If we were to examine their systems, we would find that almost all have moved from state X to state Y, both of which seem safe to them. The transition process itself may have been very dramatic, but we humans usually end up in a new state of perceived safety and well-being which may be radically different from the prior state. We could be living as a fiercely free spirited individualist one day and be settled into a long term committed relationship the next week.

The second reason we cling to our worldview regardless of the evidence to the contrary is the emotional glue that holds our expectations in place. Much of our belief system and opinion collection is based upon a series of experiences during which we form beliefs and ideas/opinions. These experiences will have emotional content for us and this is what glues the memories and beliefs and worldview together.

Here’s a simple test – think of 5 important events in your life, any 5. You may want to write them down to make it easier to track. For each one, imagine yourself back in that event, as if you were having the experience now. Notice what you were seeing, what you were hearing and what you were feeling. Do this for each event in turn. It is extremely probable that for each important event you will have had at least one strong emotional response. Perhaps for one you felt really happy and for another very sad. The exact emotion is not that critical – for each one that you easily recalled and were able to imagine, there was a strong emotional component. This is what I call the emotional glue that holds those memories in place. You probably can recall a lot of details of each event and even feel the corresponding emotions as you revisit them.

You can test the opposite of this – take yourself back exactly 3 weeks to one of the meals you ate. If you can’t remember much about that meal, it was most likely that it had nothing very emotional happen during it. It was more than likely just like so many other benign events of your life – ones that came and left without any real impact on you.

This emotional glue is a double-edged sword. It holds in place all those memories of positive events from our past, but it also holds in place all those negative ones as well. All of these events, the feelings that arose in them, the thoughts that were formed and the resulting beliefs and opinions all helped to create and to shape your worldview. And, after a while, each new experience tends to reinforce your worldview. Every time that worldview and its component expectations are not in alignment with your current experiences, you will tend to become stressed as you go through the process of reconciling the two.

Sometimes, we can become aware of parts of our worldview which do not really serve us anymore. We may have a vague sensation about the futility of our constant negative reaction to people who do not do what we expect. We may want to be more tolerant. The challenge then is to move from where we are to where we want to be without triggering all of our self-preservation mechanisms, To make this move, we need to let go of the emotional glue which holds the old and unresourceful expectations in place.

Fortunately, it is fairly easy to release the emotional glue which no longer serves us. Humans are fully capable of releasing any emotional glue and the attached beliefs and opinions and reactions, even though it may seem like something a bit out of the ordinary to do the first time or two. The heightened speed of change in the modern world, as well as the bombardment of negative news stories has created a more intense than normal climate of fear, and in a fearful environment, we tend to hang onto everything, including that which no longer serves us. The process of releasing is greatly enhanced by a facilitation process such as AER.

The process of letting go of the emotional glue that holds in place an unresourceful expectation is actually quite straightforward. First, one notices any time when one is feeling frustrated, for example, with a low-intensity life event such as standing in a line-up at the grocery store. One pays attention to the feelings which come up with the frustration, and then when the time is convenient, one lets go of those feelings, one by one, using AER to facilitate the release process. There is neither censoring nor judgment of the feelings which arise – they are noticed, accepted and released. Any analysis of why one might feel anger and sadness mixed with the frustration, for example, is left until after the feelings are released and one can think clearly.

As one releases the accumulated emotional glue, an amazing thing happens – expectations become softer and more in tune with what is actually there. No effort is needed, as there is no resistance to the world nor any struggle to reconcile an expectation with what is happening. Are you ready to let go of some of your old emotional glue, unresourceful beliefs and ideas?

Copyright 2009 Robert S. Vibert, all rights reserved

What do you mean, I can’t do that to you any more?

Now, truth be told, it is highly unlikely that you will ever hear someone actually say something like the title of this article.  Not in these exact words, that is for sure. However, if you read between the lines of what they are saying, this will be the message. And if you pay attention to what they are doing (always a good idea), you’ll definitely get the message.

First, some examples. Let’s think of some times when people do something to you, something along the lines of taking your generosity for granted. Maybe one day you let someone have some of the compost from your garden because they wanted to try their hand at growing a plant or two. You gave them some of your compost and were happy to help them out. The next time they came by to visit, they asked for some more.  And the next time,  the same thing happened. And again, and again. Until they were constantly taking compost, and started to do so without even asking. Hmmm… I imagine you can extrapolate this to any number of situations besides compost – the principle is that you were generous once, and the other person then assumed that you would always be willing to give and give and give, of your time, your energy, your belongings.

Another example would be when someone presumes upon your good-will. Let’s say that they are rude or insulting to you. You respond with dismay or disgust and  maybe they apologize, explaining that they’ve had a hard day, week, life. A little while later, the same thing happens – they are out of line, say something inappropriate, accuse you of something inane, etc. They expect that you’ll always accept their behaviour, no matter how inappropriate, because they have mitigating circumstances,  explained themselves once, because you didn’t constantly make a fuss about it or because they think they simply have every right to express themselves however they wish.

A third example would be when someone constantly imposes their worldview on you. For whatever reasons, they have formed their own particular vision of how the world is and works. They see things in one way, and expect everyone else to see it in the same way. They are not shy about telling you how wrong your ideas are, how much superior their views and opinions are, and how it would all be so much better if you’d simply agree with them.  They never miss an opportunity to tell you what you are doing wrong, and how much better their ideas are. Some people would call this fundamentalism, but they certainly do not need a religious context for this zealousness. Even when you ask them to respect that you may have a differing perspective, they insist on “being right“, perhaps even raising their voice to drown you out.

We draw the line, they pop

When we draw the line, tell them to stop what they are doing, that we’ve reached our limit, the usual response is that they get upset with us. And that is when you’ll see and hear what amounts to a protest against their “right” to carry on with behaviour that is not kind, compassionate, generous or life-enhancing. They may be shocked that you would actually tell them to stop.

This protest will come in various forms, ranging from pouting to bullying to misbehaving to pleas for forgiveness. The pouting and sulking is pretty much what you know from watching child behaviour. The bullying can be a bit more subtle, as they have often developed skills to enhance it. They can try to browbeat you with arguments as to why they should be allowed to continue as they had been. They can try to use shame to manipulate you, often bringing others into the discussion in an attempt to gang up on you. They can become insulting, suggesting that you are not man or woman enough to stand up to their manner and that you need to toughen up. They may resort to anger or belligerence, hoping to intimidate you into backing down from your position.

If all of those tactics fail, they may beg forgiveness, hope that you’ll soon forget your position and then plan to revert back to their old ways within a short time.

After all, they are entitled to be the way that they are, right? They are the Entitled Ones.

Why do these people get so upset when asked or told to respect a boundary? More than likely, no one ever told them NO or STOP before.  People have been polite to them for most of their life, and not pointed out the rudeness or inappropriateness of their behaviour, generally to avoid getting into a conflict with them.  Their propensity to be conflictual becomes quite evident early on in their relationships with others, and since most humans prefer to not be in conflict, the people around these Entitled Ones walk on eggshells.

Finding Balance

Given that when denied what they want, whether it is more of your generosity, your goodwill or your acquiescence,  the Entitled Ones react like spoiled kids and engage those around them in a battle they need to win.

The truth of the matter is that all involved in these scenarios need to use a more mature approach. The Entitled Ones need to learn self-restraint, respect and consideration for others. Those on the receiving end of the entitlement request need to learn how to say NO and stick to it. In some ways, it is harder for the second group than for the first. The Entitled Ones are used to taking and taking and not being challenged often, so they have precedent on their side.  Their learning includes releasing the fear of scarcity and being alone that drives a lot of the behavior. When people are always looking for more, it is usually because they sense that they will not have enough – that explains a lot about why people who already have a lot of money are driven to keep getting more. This fear is not overcome, it is accepted as part of our human inheritance and then released. The other part of this, the constant need for attention, even if gained only by creating conflict with others, is also possible to release. Having released these unhealthy drivers, the Entitled Ones can find it much easier to interact with others in a manner that enhances the lives of everyone involved.

For the second group, those who have some trouble establishing boundaries, the path to a better way is rather straightforward. They start by noticing what comes up for them when they imagine themselves confronting an Entitled One they know, and then releasing those feelings. With those feelings gone, often ones of fear of rejection and battle, it becomes much easier to stand one’s ground, firmly but kindly establish boundaries and help the Entitled Ones evolve into more respectful folks.

For both, the key is to release the underlying feelings that drive the behaviours.

Copyright 2010 Robert S. Vibert, all rights reserved.

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What were you expecting – The Spanish Inquisition?

Those who are fans of the 70s British Monty Python comedy troupe will recognize the reference to the sudden, unexpected appearance of the Spanish Inquisition as mentioned in the title, although I have mangled the concept a tad to make a point.

Every day, we wake up and dust off our expectations, charge the batteries on them and set off to live our life, bringing them in tow behind us. We encounter a situation and expect it to match what we have encountered before. This can be anything from where the sun will rise to the effects of gravity to what happens when we push a door closed.

All is well with these sorts of expectations as they generally refer to situations which will evolve in essentially the same way each time. Scientists who study how our minds work consider this to be a form of mental shorthand, which saves us time and mental energy. This is related to how we can quickly figure out that this new object we see is a chair, because it matches the general profile and features of so many previous chairs that we have seen.

Problems can occur when we apply our expectations to new people and new situations, or when we do not allow for evolution in the actions and reactions of people we think we know.  And, to add just another bit of complexity to this discussion, our expectations can be conscious or not.

The man with the black hat

An example of a non-conscious expectation is when we expect someone who looks somewhat like someone we have encountered in the past to behave in the same manner. Therapists see this sort of thing all the time, as clients appear with issues which derive from associations with traumatic incidents from childhood. If you were 12 months old and a man wearing a black hat scared you badly, it is entirely possible, even as an adult 30 years later, that each time you see someone wearing a black hat, your internal survival system will trigger a response, typically some level of fear or anxiety. Your system has stored the memory of  “black hat = danger” and until you use something like AER to release that stored memory, it will remain with you. (I have witnessed people release stored feelings/traumatic memories that were more than 60 years old, so it is never too late to start releasing.)

Experiments have shown that our internal survival system is aware of things that we are not consciously able to notice. Just one example of this is when people who had a fear of spiders were shown a film with some embedded/subliminal  images of spiders – although they could not explain why they started to feel nervous, they certainly were noticing their physical and emotional response to the film. The researchers monitored these people for their heart rates and skin galvanic response, and it was easy to see the correlation between the timing of the  images and their levels of fear response. These sorts of experiments clearly show that any attempt to control ourselves by relying purely on mental processes are doomed to fail, as our state of being is not determined solely by our thoughts, and in times of distress, our thoughts follow our feelings, not the other way around. But, I digress.

Although there are many things for which we have non-conscious expectations and it is harder to deal with these as they fly under our radar screens, so to speak, we can be aware of our conscious expectations.

What value would we derive from noticing our expectations? Possibly the greatest value would be that of self-awareness and conscious decisions about how we approach the world. Having expectations which are more in alignment with what is actually around us makes for a much easier life as we are not resisting the world and hopefully not being constantly disappointed.

According to neuroscience, for the first part of our life (up until around age 20 or so) our brains are in intense learn and develop mode. Environmental cues provide much wanted clues to the world and how to interact with it, and our neural circuits wire themselves in response.We form an interpretation of the world and our internal map to navigate it.

The rest of our lives is often spent trying to make the outside world match up with our internal map. This gets more and more stressful as the years pass, as the world is in constant evolution (some might say devolution).  The internal map we carefully constructed about how the world works was never really all that accurate anyway, as it was so influenced by our perceptions. But it was the best map we had, and we made do with it as best we could. If the world was static, we could probably get away with keeping our original internal map without many problems. Ah, if only it was so easy.

Given that we live in an ever-changing world and that our expectations are guided by our map, it makes sense to update this map of ours regularly. The first step is to become aware of the existence of this map and its associated expectations. Notice what you are expecting to happen in the benign situations you encounter every day.  As you are reading this article, for example, you almost certainly have a few expectations:

– you expect the sentences to make some measure of sense
– you expect that the author will eventually stop writing
– you expect that when you look up from this text, the world around you will still be in basically the same state as when you turned your focus here.

If you wanted, you could take a moment and notice what expectations you have right now. You could even take as long as you like, and I promise that I’ll hardly notice and will be right here when you return. 🙂

You could also take a fresh look at what you expect from those who interact with you and how you react when you do not get what you expected. You might even ask yourself if you had clearly communicated this expectation and had a clear agreement with the other party on this. It is possible to change our expectations to be more in line with the world and what we can realistically count on happening, and this starts by noticing.

Noticing your expectations, without judging them, is a form of self-awareness that can lead to opportunities to discover hidden treasures.

Instead of expecting the world to be a certain way, take a closer look and notice it. Who knows what you might find, hidden in plain sight.

Copyright 2009 Robert S. Vibert, all rights reserved