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Healing and our Brains

Don’t you understand?

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The human quest for “understanding” is so prevalent that most of us take it completely for granted and organize much of our lives around it. What hardly ever gets questioned is what is causing this quest in the first place and what are the consequences of such constant questing.

To properly set the context, let’s consider some examples of quests for understanding that we can run across any day of the week. One good example is what we see from the Relationship Obtaining, Improvement, and Repair (ROIR) industry. The ROIR produces dozens of new books, and hundreds (if not thousands) of magazine and online articles each year purporting to help us understand potential and existing partners and relationships. This same industry organizes conferences and workshops by the hundreds and provides for steady employment for countless therapists who help their clients “understand” why things are not working as they want in relationships. In addition to the specialized providers of ROIR products and services, much of the content of TV programs and films includes this material, and people worldwide watch these for hours on end, all in our quest to better “understand” relationships and be entertained. On a more private level, people spend hours each day discussing, mulling over, revisiting, examining, and dissecting relationships, all in that quest to understand what is happening, what happened and what will happen next. If one could harness the electrical energy of all the brain activity involved in just this one questing process, it is likely we would never need to drill for any more oil! Shades of The Matrix… 🙂

Another example of questing for understanding is when we try to figure out what is our purpose in life.  We examine our likes and dislikes, investigate income potential and job opportunities, consider future growth prospects, meditate on spiritual inclinations, study purported laws of attraction and distraction, attend workshops and classes, etc., etc. all with the goal of helping us “understand” better our life purpose. Many religions advise us on this topic as well, in an effort to increase our “understanding” and some philosophies devote entire volumes to this quest.

A third and final example (and there are many more once you start looking) is the quest for understanding how the human mind works. Scientists and philosophers the world over diligently study this topic. They put people in fMRI machines to scan their brain activity, attach EEG electrodes to the scalps of volunteers to pick up electrical signals, sit in contemplation or debate vigorously with colleagues about the functioning of the human mind/brain. The number of books and articles on this subject has grown by leaps and bounds over the past years as technology promises to help us “understand” ourselves better.

Despite the enormous investments of time, effort and money in the pursuit of understanding in these and many other fields, our “understanding” seems to be a constantly moving target, with yesterday’s best advice and theories often contradicted or colored by today’s latest discovery. But this moving target is not the crux of my discussion here.

Why do we “need” to understand?

This essay is just my current conclusion on why we humans need to quest constantly for understanding. It might be right, and it might just as well be wrong. And, more than likely, I will not quest much more for understanding why we quest for understanding once I have finished writing it. Phew! What a convoluted path – did you keep up? Did you “understand” what I am trying to do here? 😉

Without further ado, in a nutshell, this is my idea for why we need so desperately to “understand” and why even when we do “understand” we still seek out more and more details and explore alternative explanations, to supposedly further our “understanding”:

Our brain forces us to seek out “understanding”. Simple as that. OK, bye now.

What’s that you are saying? You don’t fully understand?  Oh bother, well I guess I’ll try to explain this notion of mine, but there are some ground rules. First, I might be completely wrong about all this. I may not “understand” this at all, and you reading what I write here may generate more confusion than understanding. If you are OK with that, read on. If not, best you save yourself now, before it is too late! And, even if you do eventually “understand” what I am saying here, just “understanding” it is not going to make an iota  of difference to you.  You’d actually have to do something with this new knowledge and comprehension, or else you’ll just be adding to your storehouse of data, thoughts and ideas, and it is probably pretty full already.

Our brain needs to “understand”

As best I can figure it, over time our brains evolved some special capabilities which have served us well, but like an athlete who only exercises one set of muscles, we can get out of balance when we dedicate too much time to one of our possible activities. The special capability that I am talking about is problem solving. We humans are great at problem solving, really superb when you consider it all. Just look at the marvels of technology that we have created as a result of this ability, which we have in abundance. Why are we such good problem solvers? It is because we have a powerful Problem Processing Engine (PPE) inside us, mainly in our head. This PPE detects problems, analyses the data related to the problem at hand, studies it and starts generating potential solutions which are eventually used to solve the problem.  At least, that is how it works when things are working well.

What goes wrong

If our PPE was always working just fine, we’d have no reason to pay much attention to it, like the engine of a car – it would efficiently take us from here to there, from problem to solution. Alas, our PPE is subject to interference from a number of elements, and this interference can cause it to malfunction, to our detriment.

Stress can wreak havoc on the smooth functioning of our PPE – instead of producing good solutions, it often just processes the same problems over and over, lacking enough peace and quiet to properly digest the details and arrive at a workable solution. You are probably familiar with this – once you’ve reached the point of being tired and over-worked or over-stressed, your ability to solve problems and make good decisions declines. This is part of the reason why humans need a break from work on a regular basis, and that includes domestic engineering (AKA housework and child-rearing). Without those regular breaks, we cannot function well, and we tend to either delay making decisions or we make ones that are not optimal.

Another very common problem for our PPE is the effect of LoveDrugs. LoveDrugs is a term I use for the chemicals that our bodies produce in large quantities when we “fall in love”. They include dopamine, oxytocin, and serotonin and when we are flooded by them, it is like being on cocaine according to the researchers who study this sort of thing. Now LoveDrugs do serve a vital purpose – they cause us to see another human through incredibly rosy filters, masking all the stuff about them that would normally trigger us to consider seriously if it is really such a good idea to mate with them. This diminished judgment is necessary for the survival of the species – we could not be too overly selective about mates for much of our history, and so LoveDrugs helped ease the way for babies to be conceived and thus we are all here today.  The fly in this ointment is that when we are on LoveDrugs, our PPE is very impaired. It does not process problems well, reaches conclusions we can only wonder about later, and generally diverts most of its focus from life to what’s happening or not with The Other. This also explains a lot about why the RIOR industry is so active – people under the influence of LoveDrugs are trying to figure out their relationships with others who may or not be on LoveDrugs. And, here’s a secret that may save you a lot of concern and effort (if you can remember it when you are on LoveDrugs): when you are trying to “understand” why someone on LoveDrugs did X or Y, the answer is simple – they are literally drugged and their Problem Processing Engines are not working well. They are making decisions while under the influence and no amount of analysis or rationalizing with them will have any real effect, just like arguing with a drunk is a waste of time. Maybe you did not want to hear that…

Another common issue that arises is that when no real problem is in sight, our PPE will go into Problem Seeking Mode, looking for problems to work on, including where they do not actually exist. Think of your PPE as an engine that is almost always revving, ready to process a problem. This Problem Seeking Mode is especially common when one does not have any productive activity to occupy one’s time and PPE. When the PPE does not have real problems to work on, it looks for them in the innocuous events of life, imagining that they must exist somewhere.  Once it has invented a “problem”, it then seeks out “evidence” and “proof” of the existence of this “problem”, even if that means it has to negatively interpret just about everything that appears in front of the person.  Trying to deal rationally with someone who has had their PPE invent a problem is another major waste of time. The human mind does not distinguish well between dreams and reality, and this dreamt up problem seems perfectly “real” to this person. You may now consider differently the expression “It’s all in their head”…

A final potential issue is that our PPE is influenced by emotions, including all the stored emotional energy from our past. Present day emotions and memories and the emotions associated with them influence how your PPE will work. Strong painful emotions will prompt the PPE to generate solutions that will not be objective but ones designed to prevent you from being exposed to further pain and suffering. Unfortunately, these defensive solutions are often rather simplistic and self-defeating, as they are happening at a subconscious level and we are not aware of the influence of our past pain on our present decision-making processes. People will walk away from perfectly good jobs, for example, because some buried pain has been triggered in them by something at the job. Most of the time, they are not even aware of the pain or the triggering of a defensive reaction, and will rationalize their decision to leave after the fact or call it a gut instinct. Often, the “cure” is worse than the “disease” being avoided. As before, trying to “understand” why someone makes a decision is often a waste of time and effort, as there are so many hidden factors at play and most people make emotional decisions and then backwards rationalize them.

Treat your engine well

If you’ve read this far, you may think that things are pretty bleak. We’re saddled with a PPE that can become hijacked by stress, LoveDrugs, idleness and strong emotions and then work against us instead of for us, causing us grief instead of helping us. Unfortunately, there is no real way to turn off our PPE – it is hard wired in our head, and when it works well, it really is useful to us. So, what can we do? Well, the first suggestion I have is to pay attention and get to know your PPE – watch it working. Every time you find yourself trying to “understand” you’ll know your PPE is at work, diligently plugging away. Just notice that happening.

Hard as it may sound, the next step is to see if you can start to relinquish the constant need to “understand” everything around you. Realize that we’ll never really understand everything in life anyway, and that some things will never be understandable. Why did the chicken cross the road? Who knows?  Does it matter?  It is possible to gradually shift from a place of needing to understand to accepting a lot of what happens as “what happens”. Meditation on the breath or a flower or anything that is rather removed from being a “problem” is often helpful.

Make sure you treat your PPE well, getting needed breaks from work and worries. Finally, healing emotional wounds so they no longer mess up your PPE’s working will enable it to do its job well and serve you like the good servant it wants to be.

Copyright 2010 Robert S. Vibert, all rights reserved.

– Comments and feedback are welcome, as long as you don’t expect me to understand you. My PPE is offline for an oil change. 😉

Healing and our Brains

What do you mean, I can’t do that to you any more?

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Now, truth be told, it is highly unlikely that you will ever hear someone actually say something like the title of this article.  Not in these exact words, that is for sure. However, if you read between the lines of what they are saying, this will be the message. And if you pay attention to what they are doing (always a good idea), you’ll definitely get the message.

First, some examples. Let’s think of some times when people do something to you, something along the lines of taking your generosity for granted. Maybe one day you let someone have some of the compost from your garden because they wanted to try their hand at growing a plant or two. You gave them some of your compost and were happy to help them out. The next time they came by to visit, they asked for some more.  And the next time,  the same thing happened. And again, and again. Until they were constantly taking compost, and started to do so without even asking. Hmmm… I imagine you can extrapolate this to any number of situations besides compost – the principle is that you were generous once, and the other person then assumed that you would always be willing to give and give and give, of your time, your energy, your belongings.

Another example would be when someone presumes upon your good-will. Let’s say that they are rude or insulting to you. You respond with dismay or disgust and  maybe they apologize, explaining that they’ve had a hard day, week, life. A little while later, the same thing happens – they are out of line, say something inappropriate, accuse you of something inane, etc. They expect that you’ll always accept their behaviour, no matter how inappropriate, because they have mitigating circumstances,  explained themselves once, because you didn’t constantly make a fuss about it or because they think they simply have every right to express themselves however they wish.

A third example would be when someone constantly imposes their worldview on you. For whatever reasons, they have formed their own particular vision of how the world is and works. They see things in one way, and expect everyone else to see it in the same way. They are not shy about telling you how wrong your ideas are, how much superior their views and opinions are, and how it would all be so much better if you’d simply agree with them.  They never miss an opportunity to tell you what you are doing wrong, and how much better their ideas are. Some people would call this fundamentalism, but they certainly do not need a religious context for this zealousness. Even when you ask them to respect that you may have a differing perspective, they insist on “being right“, perhaps even raising their voice to drown you out.

We draw the line, they pop

When we draw the line, tell them to stop what they are doing, that we’ve reached our limit, the usual response is that they get upset with us. And that is when you’ll see and hear what amounts to a protest against their “right” to carry on with behaviour that is not kind, compassionate, generous or life-enhancing. They may be shocked that you would actually tell them to stop.

This protest will come in various forms, ranging from pouting to bullying to misbehaving to pleas for forgiveness. The pouting and sulking is pretty much what you know from watching child behaviour. The bullying can be a bit more subtle, as they have often developed skills to enhance it. They can try to browbeat you with arguments as to why they should be allowed to continue as they had been. They can try to use shame to manipulate you, often bringing others into the discussion in an attempt to gang up on you. They can become insulting, suggesting that you are not man or woman enough to stand up to their manner and that you need to toughen up. They may resort to anger or belligerence, hoping to intimidate you into backing down from your position.

If all of those tactics fail, they may beg forgiveness, hope that you’ll soon forget your position and then plan to revert back to their old ways within a short time.

After all, they are entitled to be the way that they are, right? They are the Entitled Ones.

Why do these people get so upset when asked or told to respect a boundary? More than likely, no one ever told them NO or STOP before.  People have been polite to them for most of their life, and not pointed out the rudeness or inappropriateness of their behaviour, generally to avoid getting into a conflict with them.  Their propensity to be conflictual becomes quite evident early on in their relationships with others, and since most humans prefer to not be in conflict, the people around these Entitled Ones walk on eggshells.

Finding Balance

Given that when denied what they want, whether it is more of your generosity, your goodwill or your acquiescence,  the Entitled Ones react like spoiled kids and engage those around them in a battle they need to win.

The truth of the matter is that all involved in these scenarios need to use a more mature approach. The Entitled Ones need to learn self-restraint, respect and consideration for others. Those on the receiving end of the entitlement request need to learn how to say NO and stick to it. In some ways, it is harder for the second group than for the first. The Entitled Ones are used to taking and taking and not being challenged often, so they have precedent on their side.  Their learning includes releasing the fear of scarcity and being alone that drives a lot of the behavior. When people are always looking for more, it is usually because they sense that they will not have enough – that explains a lot about why people who already have a lot of money are driven to keep getting more. This fear is not overcome, it is accepted as part of our human inheritance and then released. The other part of this, the constant need for attention, even if gained only by creating conflict with others, is also possible to release. Having released these unhealthy drivers, the Entitled Ones can find it much easier to interact with others in a manner that enhances the lives of everyone involved.

For the second group, those who have some trouble establishing boundaries, the path to a better way is rather straightforward. They start by noticing what comes up for them when they imagine themselves confronting an Entitled One they know, and then releasing those feelings. With those feelings gone, often ones of fear of rejection and battle, it becomes much easier to stand one’s ground, firmly but kindly establish boundaries and help the Entitled Ones evolve into more respectful folks.

For both, the key is to release the underlying feelings that drive the behaviours.

Copyright 2010 Robert S. Vibert, all rights reserved.

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Healing and our Brains

Perceptions, perceptions, how they influence us!

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I was recently reminded of just how powerful perceptions can be. Conversations with two people about completely different events revealed the depth of perceptual difference that can be present when people are in the same place, but see through different eyes.

Everything new that we experience is filtered and affected by our previous experiences and our stored

  • thoughts,
  • beliefs,
  • understandings,
  • conclusions,
  • sensory memories and perhaps most importantly,
  • feelings/emotions.

This is why one person can hear a sound and react to it in fear, and another can react with little interest – the sound is interpreted via the combination of the new elements and the influence of the previous ones.

In other words, when we enter a moment, we bring with us all our accumulated history and use that history to unconsciously (mainly) interpret the world as it unfolds. The Buddhists talk about something called “beginner’s mind”, in which one looks at each moment as if it was seen for the first time and freshly interpreted. While it does take longer to reach conclusions using this approach, the results are very beneficial.

A lot of unhappiness in the world is the direct result of not “seeing” what is there, but only seeing what seems to be there, making snap judgments and jumping to conclusions. Often this happens so automatically that we do not notice it, and assume that what we think is what is real.

Here’s a radical concept – next time you think you understand what happened in a particular situation, see if there is any alternate understanding possible. Examine all the assumptions you made as you reached your conclusions. See if there are any other possible explanations for each of the elements that you notice. Be aware of your preconceptions and personal historical conclusions.

You may be surprised at what you discover once you start to notice how you arrived at a conclusion …

Copyright 2009 Robert S. Vibert